


depth over distance

by jessamoo



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: F/M, Loneliness, Multi Chapter, Unplanned Pregnancy, delicity friendship, kinda wordy i think, more about feelings than anything else tbh, sad felicity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-01
Updated: 2014-10-02
Packaged: 2018-02-15 15:23:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 19,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2233944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jessamoo/pseuds/jessamoo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Oliver and Felicity are in love, but Oliver has to make a difficult choice in order to protect her</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1

It starts the way it always starts.

After too many failed missions, too many near misses, too many scars, he’s curt and stressed and taking chances he can’t afford.

But even when he gets angry, even when he blames himself, he lets her closer. A part of him fights the urge to push her even further away. He doesn't deserve her compassion, her unfailing belief. But its there all the same, in her eyes, its there under the touch of her hand when she places it on his arm in comfort.

 

Diggle gets grazed by a bullet one night as he protected Oliver. When Oliver drags him into the foundry, both of them are covered in so much blood it would have been hard to tell which one of them was hurt if Dig weren't almost unconscious.

Felicity helps to patch him up, and when she wipes scared tears away it leaves a streak of blood on her face. Its blinding and angry against her pale skin. Its what he sees when he closes his eyes that night.

When the next morning comes around, Dig is awake, and there is no trace of his blood. But Oliver feels sick at the thought that next time the blood stains might not be so easily washed away in the light.

 

“So I know your not exactly a sharer but…” 

It’s been a few weeks since Dig was hurt, but Oliver’s mood had not improved. Felicity awkwardly twists her hands together and Oliver continues to clean his weapons. Or at least, that’s what he’d been pretending to do whilst he and Felicity were alone in the foundry together. What he was actually doing was something more along the lines of watching Felicity mess around with her computers and sneak worried glances at him.

“But what?” he sighs, finally stopping to look at her.

“But you can. Share, I mean. With me. If you wanted. I mean I know you don’t ever want to but you can.”

The worried looks she’d been sending him for weeks now had put his mood on edge, but he feels a smile tug at his lips now. He felt so tired. Tired of sadness and fear and never seeing the end of the fight.

“I know.” He says to her quietly.

“Do you though?” she raises her eyebrow at him and he doesn't say anything. He knows what she’s getting at. Promising to talk to her wasn't the same as doing it. He knows she must doubt how much he trusts her, when he keeps things inside the way he does. He knows the hurt of seeing someone you care about unsure and scared for you and not able to do any thing about it.

Carefully he places the arrow he had been holding down, as if he’s deciding what he’s going to do once it hits the table. But the truth is he hadn't decided, because if he thought too much about what he wanted to do next, he would back out. But he didn’t think. Instead, he stood up and walked over to her deliberately, and she turned her chair to face him fully, staring up at him with hesitant wide eyes.

He holds his hand out to her and she takes it, though he sees her lips part a little in surprise. Felicity allows him to tug her hand gently, pulling her up to stand in front of him. She hadn’t realised how close they would be standing when she did so, and she feels that familiar swoop in her stomach at the intimacy. Oliver presses her hand against his heart and looks at her, in her eyes, in that same intense, make-your-knees-weak way he always did when he was in serious mode.

“I know that you’re here for me. And I might not tell you sometimes but…I am so grateful for that. I’m beyond grateful, I’m…” he breaks off and shakes his head, glancing away from her.

“I know.” She whispers for him, and she places her other hand on his cheek. When she goes to move it, he presses his hand against it to keep it there and turns his face to kiss her palm lightly.

Sometimes, to herself, she likes to think of that as their first kiss. It might not have been on the lips, but it meant everything in that moment. But there would be many more kisses after that.

 

Their romance didn’t end up like she’d imagined. There was no grand confessions, no drama, not like in the movies (though there was some kissing in the rain, and some daring rescues. He was still the arrow after all)

It was quiet, and secret and made up of the small things, like nods of approval, like brushing her hair behind her ear, like their hands clasped tightly together as they slept next to each other, like her fingers tracing over his scars and him finding that he didn’t mind a bit. There was no awkward reveal to Dig, just Felicity throwing her arms around Oliver after a stressful mission where comms had been cut off, and him silently kissing her with their foreheads pressed together. Dig just smiles and nods like he’d known all along.  
Dig and Lyla throw a small party for Tyler, their sons first birthday, and Oliver wraps his arms around Felicity from behind as they watch their friends and their beautiful son. He feels content, and surrounded by love. He whispers he loves her and though he has never said it to her before, the words feel instantly familiar to her, like they are a fact that has always existed outside of them, like they had never needed to be voices to be true. When she says it back, he feels it vibrate through his body, and he imagined all of his broken parts reworking and healing inside of him, and for the first time in a long time, he sees what his future could look like.

 

He hadn’t known the future would look like this. This was hell. This was blood and dirt and tears. 

A new mob boss had risen up that was unlike anything he had fought. He didn’t have super strength like Slade, he had something much more powerful. Information. He knew all about Oliver, he knew who he cared about, how to get to them, how to get to their loved ones, and on and on and on until Oliver was sure he was fighting a world of evil inside of just one man. And when he did take him down with an arrow to the heart, another took his place with all the same knowledge. Oliver’s foes were like a hydra. Every time he took one down, even more took their place.

Felicity watched him.

It was beginning to be like before. Before they got together, before he found his hope again. She tried her best to help him, and she believes in her heart that they can beat it together. Oliver thinks this too, but its not enough. 

He closes himself off again, retreats further into the arrow and all the darkness it brings. Darkness like him watching her fall to the ground with a bullet to the leg. It wasn't just an accident, he knows this from the way the thug looked at him before Oliver sent an arrow his way. Felicity is oblivious to what it meant, but Oliver knows. The bullet had been meant for her and her only, and probably for somewhere a little more fatal than her leg.

It takes him weeks of turmoil and terse words and unexplained absences in the night to tell her his next move. 

They had been arguing more, but he always came back to her. He’d slink back in in the morning and she’d pretend to be asleep as he kissed her shoulder and lay next to her. 

Then he’d take hold of her tightly like he couldn’t bare to let her go. On those mornings It was hard to believe he ever would.

But, eventually, he did.


	2. Chapter 2

“These people, this network of gangsters, they know everything.” Oliver says quietly. They were in the foundry and he’d been staring at his hands for a solid five minutes whislt she’d waited for him to talk. 

 

She’d sensed the tension in the air as soon as she’d arrived, and she’d sat down awkwardly with her heart in her throat. She’s worried that its about her news. She’d kept it to herself, but Oliver always knew when something was up with her. Maybe he’d worked it out…

“They just want you to think they do.” She jumps in quickly, trying to reassure him. “And ok, they know a lot. But that’s why I’ve been finding out what I can about them. I hacked into the police data base for – “

“Felicity.” He says her name in that demanding way he has. He looks up at her and she trails off. She can see something in his eyes that scares her, there is a sadness she hasn’t seen before. But there’s something else too. A hardness, something that tells her whatever he’s about to say isn’t up for debate.

“The arrow is too big now. Too many people know who I am, who you are. I’ve lost control of this persona. They’re predicting everything we throw at them because they’ve seen too much of me.”

“Then…we have to find a way for them to not see you coming...look, there’s something else you should know…”

“Please, felicity. I know what I have to do now. I’ve been thinking about this a lot. And its not going to be easy, but it’s the only way I know how to keep you and Dig safe in all of this.”

He’s being formal and steady – too steady, like if he relaxes just a little he will become to emotional and lose control completely. 

“When is anything we do ever easy?” she smiles at him. For a moment he returns it, but its half hearted.

“There isn’t going to be a ‘we’ in this plan.”

Felicity sighs loudly and holds her hands up. “No way. How many times have we talked about this? Your not in this alone. You were never alone and you never will be.” She jumps up and crosses over to where he’s sitting and crouches in front of him. He was staring at the floor, but she takes his face in both her hands and makes him look at her.   
“I love you.” She states firmly. “do you hear me Oliver Queen? I love you and I'm going to stay with you.”

“No your not.” He says it so heartbreakingly quiet. She see’s tears pricking at his eyes, and her heart clenches in her chest. she grasps his face even harder and shakes her head, tears falling on her own face now.

“Yes I am. I have to. You cannot do this, not after everything – “ she feels her voice tremble and he pulls her hands away from his face and holds them tightly. “Your always trying to play the hero and I adore you for that, but you don’t have to any more.”

“This is the only way to keep you safe and for this plan to work.”

Felicity jumps back up then in sudden anger and paces away from him. “What plan?” she cries, throwing her hands up. “what genius plan Oliver? The one where you fight a bunch of thugs and murderers alone? Because that cannot seriously be your plan, it is so mind numbingly stupid that you, not even you, can possibly think that’s a good idea!” she’s shouting now and he lets her. “if this is just some elaborate way of breaking up with me then you really shouldn't have bothered, OK, its not you its me works way better!”

Oliver stands up then too. “This is not because I don’t want to be with you! Look, the plan that I've designed – I have to disappear. The arrow has to be gone, or at least they have to think he is. I have to go underground. Going in all guns blazing isn't working for us, in case you hadn't noticed. Its getting you hurt and I cannot have that!”

“Well I can! For you, for all of this – “ she gestures wildly around her to the foundry, the little home they had built for themselves. “I can. I told you before I don’t want to be safe if it means not being with you. Why don’t you ever discuss any of this with me? We’re a couple and that means -”

“Felicity, I love you.” He says firmly and she stops. He isn't shouting like she is and she slumps her shoulders. Striding up to him she puts her arms round his neck and he holds her close to him. Its like she’s the port in the storm, she’s the thing his world revolves around. “I love you.” He says again. “you’re the most important thing in my life. I love you enough to let you go.”

“No!” she cries, and he wipes tears away from her cheeks. “Please don’t do this, not now. You don’t understand, I'm – “

“It wont be forever. But I have to go into a world that you can’t be a part of. This underground network can only be dismantled from the inside. I have it planned out.”

“Oliver listen to me seriously – “

“You can go to a safe place, with your qualifications, I've found jobs you can do. Dig will be with you, he’ll protect you when I'm not there. And when I'm done, I can come back to you. I will come back Felicity.”

“What if you don’t?” she asks. “What if you never come back? Dig and I have to live with the idea that we lost you whilst we were playing house in the suburbs. Do you understand what that’s going to do to us? And…and there’s other things to consider, things you don’t know yet. This isn't a good idea Oliver. I cant lose you right now, we can’t lose you.”

“You and Dig will be OK." Oliver nods without looking at her. "If your safe that’s all that matters." When he looks back at her, she realises he was talking to himself. "Even if I don’t come back, I’ll have died knowing I did everything I could to protect the people I love most in this world.”

Felicity drops her hands and takes a step back from him. She’s staring at the ground and when she finally looks up at him. “Maybe your too wrapped up in your own pain to realise Oliver, but I've been trying to tell you something this whole time. I was trying to find the right time, and I didn't tell you because I thought you’d…well, do something like this to be honest. But now I think maybe it’s the only thing that will get you not to do it.” she closes her eyes against it, not ready.

He frowns in confusion and worry. “What? What is it?”

“I'm…” She lets out a shaky breath and despite all her anger and sadness and heartbreak, a smile breaks out on felicity’s face and she shakes her head in disbelief at the entire situation. “I'm pregnant.” She lets out an almost hysterical laugh at the absurdity of it all, putting a hand on her forehead.

 

It takes a moment to register, a few glances at her stomach, and then it hits him. His entire façade of being cool and controlled crumbles and she sees it on his face. He hugs her tightly, and pulls away to place a slow, trembling hand on her stomach.

“Found out a few days ago.” She says quietly. “I know we've only been together a year but, I'm happy. I'm terrified – totally terrified, but I'm happy…are you?... Happy?” Felicity looks up at him anxiously and he nods with a smile.

“Yes.” Oliver whispers. He clears his throat against emotion. “Yes I am so, so very happy." He shakes his head in sudden, happy disbelief and looks up at her with wonder in his eyes. "I love you." He says sincerely. "I love both of you.” He kisses her forehead vigorously and she closes her eyes. For one moment, it feels like everything is right again. 

Until she opens her eyes and she realises he’s crying. But they aren't happy tears. He’s still muttering under his breath about how he loves them, like he can’t quite control him emotions. All the wonder and happiness has drained from his face now. He frowns harshly, he looks like he’s in pain and he presses his eyes closed, shaking his head and steps away from her.

Its like a punch to the gut. She shakes her head, stepping even further away from him, hurt clouding her face.

“this…doesn't change anything does it?” Felicity can hear her voice trembling, and she doesn't want to believe any of this happening. Just this morning she'd imagined telling him, imagined how happy the would be, imagined their life together. Now it was all fading away in a moment and she was powerless to stop it.

Oliver shakes his head again, slower this time. He lets out a slow breath, regaining his composure somewhat, and when he opens his eyes to look at her again, she sees the familiar mask of distance on his face. He tries to speak when he sees tears splash onto her cheeks, but she holds up her hand and he falls into a guilty silence.

“Your still sending us away?” felicity whispers, staring at the floor. She hasn't used the word us yet, not for her and the baby, at least not out loud. She hadn't thought about it, she’d been too afraid. But now, as everything looked set to crumble, she finds herself clinging onto the life inside her like an anchor. “Even now you know?”

“I have to. I think I have to. Maybe even more so now…I don’t know what else to do to protect you. If there was another way I would do it in a heart beat but there isn't. There isn't felicity. This is one thing we can’t fight together and I am so incredibly sorry for that.” It almost sounds like he’s trying to convince himself too.

“When your in love, there isn't supposed to be anything you cant fight together.” Felicity tries to move toward him but the look in his eyes tells her it will make this harder on him and despite how angry she is at him, she stops.

“What if you got hurt?” he asks simply. “What if something went wrong, what if you lost the baby?”

She can't speak, because despite only knowing about the pregnancy for a few days, that is a thought that terrifies her. She places her hand on her stomach, the instinct and instant familiarity of it frightens her.

“What if you die?” she counters. “You wont see your child grow up. Our child, Oliver!”

He doesn't reply. His shoulders slump, and he’s pressing his lips together tightly and breathing heavily. “Lyla said that ARGUS can find a safe place for you all. You will all be safe, and set up financially. You’ll be looked after. Lyla even looked into schools in different places because of little Tyler, so… I guess you don’t have to worry about that either.”

Felicity scoffs and rolls her eyes. “You really have thought of everything haven’t you?”

“I wouldn't have done this without thinking of everything. This isn’t the end of you and me. This is just the end of the arrow. After this it will be over. No matter what.”

“I'm still so angry with you Oliver. I cannot tell you how much. I don’t even know how you could do this.”

But he knows how angry she is. He feels with same way about himself. She’s having her entire world ripped away from her, and he’s doing the same thing to himself.

“I know. I know it feels like I'm ignoring your feelings and taking away your choices -"

"That's exactly what your doing." She snaps.

"And it might be too much for you to forgive me. It will be hard. But I hope…when this is done that…that you’ll let me come back. I hope you can forgive me. I just…I just want to keep you safe and I hope that you can somehow understand that this is me trying to do the right thing.”

“I hope that too. But It won't be just me that needs to forgive you. Its will be your whole family. Dig and Lyla and their son, our godson. And our son or daughter.”

Felicity feels empty and defeated and small and she stamps toward the stairs. She tries to feel every step, to remember everything. She knows it will be the last time she is here.

“Felicity.” He calls out, and slowly, she turns to look at him.

“When you first joined this team, I told dig that we could protect you. That’s what I’m trying to do. Because I love you.”

She wants to hold her head up and leave without a word, but she is struck with a crippling fear that this will be the last time she sees him. The world, the future outside of the room which once felt so certain to her now felt unknowable, and fathomless, and dark. She was deathly afraid.

“I love you too.”

And with that, she leaves.


	3. Chapter 3

For months afterwards, she feels she should have gone back. Diggle feels it too, and sometimes they talk about it. They two alone are the only people who they can talk too. Lyla is a wonderful wife and friend. She maintained her job with ARGUS, Dig and Felicity suspect it was part of the deal so they would help them get out. ARGUS wasn't happy about the fact they now saw the arrow as weakened and AWOL, and they were unable to use him for their own purposes now, but they put up with it all. Mostly this was because Lyla still worked for them, and Dig even took on the occasional job from them now too. And even though they didn't know where he was, they knew Oliver was taking out their enemies for them. Off the grid, Oliver was untraceable. He knew how to hide now, much better than he had when he first took up his hood and bow. But every so often Felicity’s endless searching through news stations, for hours on end, would pay off and she would see the arrest of a gangster, or the downfall of a company, and she would know Oliver was still alive.

But soon the arrow faded out of the news columns. Sure, people wondered where he’d gone and if he’d come back – but the city was safe enough for them not to be that worried – or at least the people there believed it was. Oliver’s fight stretched further than the back alleys of starling city. And in the months after the arrow’s mysterious disappearance, other vigilante’s began to pop up in neighbouring cities. If starling really needed it, help was always there. And even without those other vigilantes, Roy and Thea still lived in starling together. Roy had laid down his arms and he and Thea had opened up an edgy little bar – but old habits die hard, and they had been known to take a stand against any injustices they saw, just a boy in a red hoodie and a girl with wild eyes.

When he wasn’t doing missions, Dig was Felicity’s bodyguard. No, seriously. She couldn't believe it herself half the time. It wasn't something she was at all used too. She hadn't grown up like Oliver. Sometimes Dig needed to be reminded of that, but for the most part he was good at giving her space – though he and Lyla lived next door to her (or however you can most be next door to manor house on a hill.)

Dig took his promise to protect her seriously, as did Lyla. She knew Felicity and Dig felt terribly guilty and ashamed that they had let Oliver send them away. Lyla tried to help, but sometimes, the idea that Oliver would die alone trying to protect them ate them up. Felicity would wake up at night screaming, in an empty unfamiliar house. At least Dig had his family. Sometimes she felt utterly alone.

Oliver had been true to his word. Financially stable was one way of putting it. The way she would put it is that he sold his mansion, sold everything that was his or that had been left to him by his parents. She didn't need to worry about a college fund or about not paying bills. Really, she only had a job for one, appearances sake, and two to keep her mind busy. She didn't know if she would carry on once the baby was born, but for now she actually liked it. Having been determined to hate everything about this forced separation from the man she loved, she had been reluctant to admit she enjoyed her job. She was a freelance computer technician, and whilst the neighbourhood was affluent, it wasn't large, so she would often be called out to fix something. She also volunteered teaching the local children at a computer class. It was at the school after hours, and she was accompanied by one of the teachers from the school whose child she taught (she wasn’t a qualified teacher after all) it was a volunteer job, but often the school would give her something small to show their appreciation, because it wasn't like they couldn't afford it.

She made a few friends, but she kept to herself. It was easier than lying. She told them the babies father was off fighting crime and let them make of it what they would. They assumed it was something classified and didn’t ask too much, as many people in the neighbourhood had high level jobs.

It was peaceful, but it was empty. She would rest her hands on the globe of her belly and talk to her baby as she spent another night alone, reading, waiting for the news to come on. Waiting for any sign of him. She felt like all she did was wait sometimes, wait for news, wait for the baby, wait for him, wait for danger. She wished he would just contact her, just once. He didn't even know how big she’d gotten or how much the baby kicked. He didn’t know that she’d asked not to know the sex, then cried alone on the floor because she didn’t know what colour to paint the babies room and she had no one to argue it out with. Dig and Lyla tried to be supportive, but they had each other. They had Tyler, their son, this gorgeous brown skinned rough and tumble kid, who stared up at them with his mothers light eyes, and over time, they learnt to be content here. Felicity wondered if her child would look like Oliver, and wondered whether it would be a good or bad thing if they did.

One day, early on, before she’s showing, she’s drinking herbal tea in a local coffee shop, messing around on her tablet, looking for information on some of the people Oliver had put away so far. It was risky, but she couldn’t help herself back then. She still clung to her old life with ferocity, especially as she read emails from Roy about how he and Thea were getting on happily. She wished she could share it with them. All Felicity could do was hope her replies weren't too cheery - she didn't want anyone to feel bad about their happiness just because she was lonely.

A man came over to her then, mid thirties with messy brown hair and green eyes. Any other time she’d have politely rebuffed him, because it was obvious from the way he smiled crookedly what his intentions were. But she’s lonely, she misses Oliver desperately, feels his absence inside of her like a darkness. He is a shadow on her, and she feels haunted. So she lets green eyes stay and flirt with her for ten minutes or so. She liked the attention, though she was still very careful about revealing anything personal. It had felt like a small victory over Oliver, she still had anger toward him. But then as she left the shop she just felt guilty and disappointed. She didn't even remember the his name.

And then she feels it. When she’s walking home in the sunshine, something stirs in her. She doesn't see anything, she doesn't hear anything as she looks all around her. But she knows. Deep in her bones she knows, something is tugging at her and enveloping her and she understands that Oliver knows where she is and that he was here. It scares her, this kind of certainty that she had never experienced before. It's like something divine had touched her, like something echoed in the deepest, darkest parts of her and she knew. She had seen nothing as she frantically spun round to see him. All she feels is the rustle of leaves and the sun on the back of her neck, and her heart beating loudly in her chest.

When she tells Dig he freaks out, worries that one of their enemies has found them. But after days of hyper vigilant body guard duty during which nothing happened, he begins to wonder if she’s right. The week after, they hear a whole drug ring run by a Russian mob boss whose name they recognise has been shut down, and she knows she was right. Oliver was with her like a guardian angel. So it was a little creepy and dramatic – but if that’s what she was getting she’d take it. She knew he was alive, and getting closer to the end of his mission if he had taken a trip to get a glimpse of her. He wouldn’t have risked it otherwise.

“You hear that baby?” she whispers to her stomach one night in bed. “Your daddy’s seen you. He’s watching over you.” That night, it feels like the baby won’t stop kicking.

She decides what to paint the nursery. She should have known all along to paint it the colour that made her feel safest. It’s a light green shade, and she fills the room up with everything she needs – Lyla had brought over a load of Tyler’s old things like cribs and mobiles, and she sets them all up without help, like it was the easiest thing in the world, whilst Felicity struggled to even bend down to pick the mail. The thing in the room she is most proud of however, is the single picture on the wall. It doesn't have a frame, and its kind of bad quality because she’d gotten it printed of her phone, but its perfect. It is a picture of her and Oliver and it hangs over the babies crib.

Despite already painting the nursery, Felicity decides to find out the sex of the baby anyway. Seen as the child would be her closest companion for 3 more months now, she wanted to feel like she knew the baby. She already knew which sounds made it kick, which songs, which time of day the baby preferred to be awake for. She hadn't even begun to think of any names. She had hoped Oliver would come back in time to help her do that, but as the due date grew nearer and her feet swelled bigger, it looked more and more unlikely. So despite the fact she had wanted it to be a surprise (and she had been secretly clinging to the hope she and Oliver would find out the sex together) she finds out.

 

She’s a girl. She’s going to be a perfect little girl. She’s healthy and she’s a girl. Felicity can’t stop looking at her stomach and grinning. She would have been this way either way, but for a while she stopped being scared about labour and single parenting and got excited about her daughter.

The day after she finds out the doorbell rings obscenely early. Felicity sprang up – well as much as she could being so pregnant. She tried to calm down as she made her way to the front door. Anything out of the ordinary sounded alarm bells in her and she clutched her stomach protectively. Despite all the technical safety measures she’d put on the house, the baseball bat near the front door still made her feel better. Out of the peep hole she couldn't tell what she was seeing, and she cracked open the door a little in confusion.

“Sorry, Miss Smoak...could you…this is really heavy.” She recognises the voice of the mail man straining behind this gigantic object.

Felicity opens the door properly and realises what the gigantic thing currently weighing the mail man down is. It’s a huge, pink teddy bear. The bear is holding a heart that reads ‘it’s a girl!”. She can’t help but smile at the sight. But then she realises – she hand’t told anyone the sex of the baby yet. She frowns again, slightly more worried as the mail man brings it inside for her.

“Was there a note?” Felicity asks nervously, running a hand over the pink fluff of the bear.

“Oh yeah, here you go. Have a nice day.”

After he hands it to her felicity barely hears him. She stares down at the folded paper, worried about what she’ll see when she opens it. She hold her breath and flips it open with her thumb.

There aren’t any words. There’s something even better.

A drawing.

It’s a drawing of an arrow, and it makes her burst out in tears.

 

When she manages to drag the bear to the nursery, she’s still holding the note. She sticks it up next to the picture of them with a smile.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i'm really grateful for all the lovely comments so far. this is the longest thing i've written so i'm really happy people are reading/enjoying! there's a little more ~development in this chapter and like chapter two, its a set up for the next few chapters :)

She talks to her baby constantly. She’s sure she can hear her in there, and sometimes her daughter kicks in recognition. It makes up for all the aching and pain and vomiting and not being able to keep any food down that she had so far endured. It was all part of pregnancy but sometimes she wished she had someone lying next to her to wake up. She thought about forcing Oliver to make her grilled cheese at four in the morning and arguing about the babies last name. it was time like these that made her melancholy again, and she would look at Dig playing football in the garden with his son, and she heard Lyla sing him lullabies, and she hoped some of there parental instinct rubbed off on her. At least she knew that her baby would have people that loved her.

This is when she makes the decision she’d been putting off. She sits on her bed, holding her stomach. There is a packet of chips next to her, and she had brought in one of the framed photographs of Oliver that she had taken from Queen manor before it had been sold. She also has a pen and a pad of paper she hadn't used yet.   
She will repeat all of this someday – or parts of it anyway. But for now, she tells her unborn daughter about her father.

She tells her about how he crashed on an island where bad people lived. How he got hurt, but he survived. She tells her that he believed in hope, in promises, how he saved people. She tells her about how he became a hero, and how he’d come up an unsuspecting IT girl for help. She tells her everything. About how they fell in love, how they pretended they didn't. About how uncle John looked after them both and helped them realise they loved each other. She tells her about how he always listened to her babble about computers even though he didn’t know what she was talking about. About how he loved them both very much and he was fighting every day to prove it.

It helped felicity to talk this way. It reminded her why all of this loneliness was worth it.

When she is finished, she opens the pad of paper. Its pristine white pages crackle and she begins to write. First, she writes everything Oliver has missed so far. She writes about how for months all she wanted to eat was mayonnaise, on everything. About how she’d failed at sewing elastic bands into her clothes and had to buy new ones. About how she missed coffee. And red wine, definitely that.

She writes all these small details, and she pulls the page out to stick it up on the picture wall in the babies room. Then, on the next page, she begins to write names. She only had about 2 weeks before her due date, so she figured it was time.

That night she manages to drift peacefully to sleep for the first time in a long time. It was one of the good nights.

 

That was until the alarms started.

 

Loud, ear piercing wailing reverberated through the house, sending a shock wave through her. She jolts awake, a lump in her throat. She scrambles out of bed in a daze but freezes before she gets to the door.

She remembers her tablet on the beside table and rushes to get it, jabbing frantically at the screen to show her the CCTV. When it finally came up, she saw nothing on any of the cameras she had she up around and outside the house. That only scared her more. She knew Dig was on his way – whenever the alarm was tripped it set his emergency pager off. But her heart was hammering in her chest and she didn't know when he would get here.

Her fingers are trembling, but she manages to switch the alarm to silent mode. If anyone was in the house, she wanted to hear them. She can see the whole house on her tablet, and it appears empty. But that of course didn't mean it was. 

She didn’t know whether to risk leaving her room, but she couldn't wait in here to die. The thought of anything happening to the baby made her feel sick and Felicity steadies herself for a moment, leaning against the bedside table. 

She had made sure her bedroom had some kind of exit, though that was a balcony – she’d had to work with what she had. But climbing down a balcony when you weren’t almost nine months pregnant was hard enough.

“Screw it.” She whispers, seeing no other alternative. She looks down at her round stomach. “They messed with the wrong girls, huh?” she closes her eyes, bracing herself for what she knew was a decision that could go horribly wrong. "Your dad is not the only bad ass OK?" She's talking to the baby, trying to slow her heartbeat, but mostly she wants to convince herself. "You and me are part of team arrow and we are awesome. And we're gonna kick some bad guy butt ok?" as if in recognition, she feels her daughter kick - and her eyes fly open in a determined glare.

From in her closet she grabs a bo staff. She had asked Dig to get it from the foundry for her after she had refused to have guns in the house whilst she was pregnant. She hopes Oliver's use of this can somehow inspire her to fight well with it. She holds in front of her with one hand and she tiptoes through the house, her tablet in the other. Its not a practical way to wield a weapon, but there’s no way she was going out there blind - and that would be what not having her tablet felt like. 

Her heart feels like its going to explode, and she tries to calm down so she doesn't stress the baby out. Its difficult though. She forces herself to steady her breathing. She has her weapon, her tablet in one hand. The other she has the staff Oliver and Dig had trained with. Sara had used this. She convinces herself she can see where they gripped it, see that speck of blood from where Sara had been hit when they were practising. She imagined that team arrow was somehow in her other hand. With her tablet and that staff, they were all back together again. Her, Oliver, Dig, even Sara and Roy, even Laurel. And they were all protecting her child.

 

Felicity manages to get all the way downstairs.

Then she hears something. The clink of a glass. She doesn’t have a plan. This was an awful idea and -

Someone grabs her from behind, a hand wraps around her mouth. She cant scream she cant even react before they’re pulling at her, she tries to elbow them but she’s flailing and whoever grabs her spins her around, tearing the bo staff from her hand and – 

“John?” she breathes desperately, feeling the frightened tears in her eyes turn to ones of relief. Diggle presses a finger to his lips and shields her with his body as he peers around her into the kitchen. She presses her face into his leather jacket in relief as he rests the bo staff carefully and quietly against the wall next to her.

“Stay here.” He whispers, and before he moves forward he puts a reassuring hand to her cheek. The hands that had been gripping his jacket for dear life trail after him uselessly in the air.

She clutches her belly protectively as she hears him take a few cautious steps. 

Then there’s nothing. 

He’s stopped moving. 

What the hell was happening, who was here? And why the hell wasn't he shooting them?!

“What the hell are you doing here?” Dig yells. She can’t tell if he’s angry or just surprised. There's something in his voice that she can't quite place.

But then she feels her heart leap in her chest. It couldn't be…could it?

 

It must be. It must be him.

Despite Dig’s warning she rushes out into the kitchen. As she flies past him and brushes past his hands that are trying to keep her back, she flings the tablet on the table with out a thought.

“I should have known it was –“ she cries, and crashes to a stop when she sees who is in her kitchen.

“You?”


	5. Chapter 5

She could not believe it. It didn't even make sense. She didn't think anyone could find her. Oliver had already known where she was when he came - he'd set her up in this house all that time ago. So how did anyone find out?

“That’s not exactly the welcome I was expecting, but…I get it.”

Felicity blanched and threw her arms up. Disappointment and anger replaced fear as she stalked toward the kitchens granite top island.

“Oh I’m sorry, what welcome were you expecting when you broke into my house in the middle of the night? And think very carefully before you answer, because you should know not to piss off a pregnant lady!” Felicity yells, pointing her finger. Behind her Dig is covering a smile.

“Look I’m really sorry I scared you. I honestly didn't mean too, though I knew you wouldn't be totally unprotected. I thought I disabled the alarm. Temporarily, of course.”

“It comes back on automatically if you don’t put a code in. Even if its hacked. I went to MIT for Christ's sake, I think I know how to create an alarm system. And for a master assassin you really have to work on your sneaking skills, Sara.” Felicity grumbled. "And you are replacing that bottle of milk." Felicity found herself pointing like an angry mother at the open bottle of milk Sara had pilfered from her fridge.

 

Sara Lance, mysterious angst ridden assassin, laughed loudly and nodded acceptingly. “You know, pregnant Felicity is totally cute.” She says ducking her head to her shoulder with grin. The contrast of this bright, wild girl in this hollow dark house was like a lightning strike in the night sky.

“Pregnant felicity is still waiting for an explanation.” Felicity fumes, raising her eyebrow.

“Me too.” Dig chimes in.

“And I'm also waiting for a hug.” Felicity rolls her eyes, and stares at the ceiling. She’s trying to stay angry, but the fright she had felt was quickly dissipating in the excited presence of one of her best friends. She opens her arms and Sara grins wildly and lunges at her. She is mindful of her stomach but she still wraps her arms around Felicity in a huge bear hug.

Dig finally puts his gun away, dramatically making a point, and comes over to hug Sara lightly. There is still reservation there, because since they had moved here he had been carrying the burden of Felicity’s protection like Atlas holding the sky. It was hard to shrug it off quickly. He was also some what concerned that he didn't feel their response to a threat and Felicity’s apparent peril had not been adequate. So in between berating himself for not being quicker and trying to think of new ways of protecting the house, it wasn't easy to let his guard down.

“So, about that explanation.” He says. Despite the fact he was happy it was Sara and not an axe murderer, Felicity knows he isn't grateful for the worry. The last thing he’d promised Oliver was to take care of Felicity, and that had been his test tonight. He was feeling the pressure of his job, and Felicity saw him glance worriedly at her stomach a few times. She wanted to acknowledge that she knew how much he cared, so she shoots him a small smile, but all he does is nod in return.

“Yeah. Well. About that…do you wanna sit down?” Sara frowns, catching Felicity wince. She puts a hand gently on her friends arm.

“uh, yeah. Sorry. Pregnancy is not always smooth sailing.” She laughs.

They all sit, in a rather awkward silence, at the dining room table. Felicity feels like she’s at a board meeting. She feels a twinge again and rubs her stomach as Sara clasped her hands on the table. The absurd professionalism of this sit down would have been hysterical if felicity wasn't so uncomfortable right then.

“So…you guys know me and Nyssa are…well I guess you could say 'freelance' now. We are for hire, but we only take down bad guys. On our terms - we make all the rules now. You’d be surprised how flexible people can be when they want the services of two ex league members. Nyssa and I both agree that the job is now far less…you know, soul destroying.” Sara shrugs with a smile that grows sad at the memories of who she used to be.

“How is Nyssa?” Felicity croons, clutching Sara’s hands, trying to bring her back to the present, the life she had now. She had only heard from Sara once or twice this whole time, and she was glad that Sara seemed happy with her girlfriend still. As much as she wanted to know why Sara was there, she couldn't help but want to enjoy the fact she was here at all. She only realises now how much she’d missed her. She would even have taken a visit from the ever domineering Nyssa too.

“Do you want this explanation or not?” Dig rolls his eyes and Felicity glares at him good naturedly.

“She’s fine.” Sara smiles. Then to Felicity’s surprise a blush creeps up her cheeks. “We are fine. Better than fine actually. We are going…to get married.”

Dig and Felicity offer their congratulations whilst Sara peers up at them bashfully.

“Oh my god that’s amazing! Who asked who?” Felicity squeals. This is some of the first good news in weeks.

“She asked me. We were on this beach -.”

“Uh, Sara…as much as I'm happy for you, I’d be happier knowing why you’re here. Is Felicity in danger? Or…” The fact he doesn't voice his concern for Oliver does not escape anyone’s notice.

Sara holds up her hands reassuringly. “No, it’s not like that. Can I start from the beginning?”

With a slightly more patient nod, Dig lets her continue.

“So we were chasing down this guy Boden in china, this real bad guy with ties to the Chinese mob and…well, we ran into Oliver."

Felicity gasps quietly and they pretend not to notice. Only Sara’s sympathetic smile gives anything away.

"Wouldn't tell us much about what he was doing there which made us think it must be dangerous." Sara carried on in much the same tone she had before, on purpose, for Felicity's sake. "I mean, if he didn't want our help, which I can assure you did not sit well with either of us, then he must be really close to something and not taking any chances. He was even more secretive than when he first told us about moving you out here and going solo...”

Felicity stares at her hands, shaking her head slightly. Its been so long since she’s heard someone say his name out loud, and to hear glimpses of the world he was in was so strange. He had felt so far from her, so unknown, and as much as the information scares her, Felicity feels like knowing something about where he was brought him a little closer to her somehow. 

“Is he…he’s OK?” She asks tearfully, dreading the answer. Surely Sara wouldn't be acting like this if he wasn't, but then why else was she here?

“He’s fine. He’s OK.” Felicity hears Dig sigh in relief beside her and she takes his hand. He nods at her gratefully. Sara is trying to reassure them, but her tone - its too cheerful, too reassuring. Oliver might not be in immediate danger or anything, but guessing from the way Sara said it, he was probably pretty far from OK.

“He misses you. Both of you, very much.”

“Not as much as we miss him.” Felicity whispers sadly. Sara nods sympathetically.

“That’s why he sent me. That’s is why I’m here.”

“He sent you?” The news broke over her like a wave, like a life line tying her to Oliver. Sitting there in her lived in, messy kitchen, Sara became a thread that connected Felicity and Oliver over the vastness of oceans and continents. “But…why didn't he come? He’s done it before. I know he has.” Felicity presses. 

“When he knew it was safe.” Sara nods firmly. She wants to impress the idea that Oliver wanted to come but couldn't. Felicity’s rational mind understood this, but she was still slightly disappointed. “Whatever he was doing there, he couldn't risk leading them back to you. He basically sent me to check up on you.”

Felicity feels her heart swell and she smiles, her stomach tightening as she thinks about Oliver, thinking about her.

“Still doesn’t explain why you broke in here.” Dig says dryly. Felicity is clutching her stomach with both hands now.

“Uh, he wrote me something to give to you and I…I know I shouldn't have but, I kinda wanted to see you. Give it to you in person, just in case. I wanted to have something to tell him...I think he needs it. He's really close to ending this whole thing, I honestly think he is...but he needs...to know there's still a life outside of it, I guess.”

Felicity feels all her anger dissipate as she look at her friend, watching as she produces a piece of crumpled paper.

“Sorry it’s a bit messy. I did try to look after it.” Sara says quietly.

 

Its crinkled and folded and it has a coffee stain on it but felicity couldn't care less. Dig and Sara excuse themselves. As they move past her, Dig places a comforting hand on her shoulder and she puts her hand over his in acknowledgement. Sara hovers by her, unsure. Felicity knows she wants to reach out but doesn't know if she can – so she takes her friends hand and gives it a small reassuring squeeze. Its hard to tell who is more grateful out of them both.

 

Felicity takes a steady breath, and she feels a heavy weight on her chest. She unfolds the paper and begins to read.

 

Felicity,

I’m sorry this hasn’t come sooner. I didn’t have a safe way to get it to you till now. Sara is the safest way I know, but I might not be able to ask her to do this again. 

I don’t know where to begin. I can’t tell you too much, but one thing I can tell you that I love and miss you. So that's what I'm going to say. I love you, I love you, I love you. I think about you every day, and I think about our baby. 

I try to come see you when I can, and even then only when I'm sure its safe. Sorry to be so vague but I don’t want to put anything that endangers you or the baby. That’s why I cant see you properly. Only from far away. And that hurts me more than you will ever know. Sometimes I try and see you, when I close my eyes. But it never feels right. I don't know what you look like now. The you I last saw months ago isn't the you that's reading this. I guess what I'm getting at is that memories are not the same as the real thing - the spectacular real thing. I miss you. I miss holding you properly.

I wish I could hold your stomach and talk to the baby. I wish I could feel her kick. I hope you liked the present I sent you. It doesn't begin to explain the love I feel for her, how happy it made me to know I was going to have a daughter. But I hope it’s a start. I feel very far away from her. It's very strange to love something you've never really felt or touched or talked too. But I do love her, even if she's just this dream to me right now.

Its coming to an end. The fighting. All of it, just like I said all those months ago. I can see an end. And a future with you and the baby. You just have to wait a little longer.

I'm sorry to ask you to do that but I want you to know that your doing an amazing job. I am so proud of you. You are so strong, and I know that your going to be a great mother. The very best. I hope I'm there to see it. I hope you'll let me. I know its unfair, and it must have been so hard for you all this time. I don't like thinking about it really, because it pulls me back there, and all I want is to quit all this and come back to you. But I can't. From where you are, maybe it's difficult to understand or forgive me. I'm finding it difficult to forgive myself. I honestly don't know how you could. But still, I hope you can.

Please tell John that I’m forever in his debt. There is no one I trust more to take care of you. And I trust you've been taking care of him too. Nothing can ever repay the loyalty he has shown me, except my unfailing loyalty to him and his family. Tyler is a beautiful boy, and if he grows up to be like his father (or mother for that matter) then he will be ten times the man I ever will. 

Also, please make sure to tell him I miss him and that he’s my brother, and always will be. 

I'm going to stop now - I've tried to write this letter a few times, and this is the furthest I've got, so I don't want to end up starting over. But before I do I want to make sure I tell you again how much I love you. Both of you, forever.

Yours, always

He hadn't signed his name. He’d drawn another arrow.

Felicity turns the paper round and sees something hastily scrawled at the bottom

p.s: I’m sure you will, but just in case, please pick a nice name for the baby x

 

She laughs loudly. She had cried her way through the whole thing, but they were tears of joy. He was on his way back to her. There was this gnawing guilt to his words that worried her, but whoever came back to her she would love. 

She calls the others in and she lets Dig read the letter. He is hesitant, but she wants him too. He’s done so much for her, he’s earned the right. He misses Oliver and needs to read what he said for himself.

Felicity smiles as Sara rubs her back in reassurance. She’s still crying and breathing heavily.

“You sure your ok there?” Sara frowns. “Please be OK because the league didn't cover how to deliver a baby.”

“I'm…” felicity starts to say she’s fine when she’s hit with another twinge of pain. Dig puts the letter on the table worriedly. 

“I still have two weeks left.” Felicity says quietly. "It's probably just all the emotion, or the shock, or adrenaline or something. I'll be - oh..." Felicity tries to wave them away as she clutches her stomach in pain again.

Dig moves Sara out the way and pulls Felicity’s chair round to face him as he crouches in front of her.

“What are you…oh my god!” Felicity clamps her hand on his shoulder in agony. Dig turns to Sara and motions to where Felicity is sat.

“Oh shit.” Sara whispers looking down at her chair.

“What? Oh shit what?” Felicity panics, following Sara’s gaze. And as soon as she see’s it she feels it. Her chair is wet. “But…I didn't feel it…” She shakes her head. "My water isn't broken. No way. It's all still fully intact in there. I still have two weeks left!" She yells again as if that will somehow reverse the situation.

“It was probably when you were reading the letter.” Dig says. “But its definitely battle stations time.”

“Don’t say that jar head, you’ll freak her out!” Sara cries hitting his shoulder, a hint of hysteria in her voice. It's the first time Felicity has seen her in the least bit of panic. Any other day and she might have teased her, but now it scared her a little.

“Well making her think someone had broken into her house probably didn’t help either!” He hisses back.

“You don’t know that’s what started it! Is that what started it?!” Now Felicity and Sara are both on the verge of freaking out and Dig rolls his eyes and stands up.

He puts his hands on Sara’s shoulders firmly.

“Sara. You need to call Nyssa, see if she can tell Oliver somehow. Then you need to go upstairs to the nursery and there should be a folder on the shelf – that’s the notes we need for the hospital OK?”

Sara nods. The orders calmed her down and she was beginning to get into action mode. “What are you going to do?” she asks him.

“I'm going to call my wife.” He says.

 

Dig tried to help Felicity calm down after he told Lyla what was happening. She wants to help but he tells her to stay with Tyler. Then he crouches in front of Felicity again trying to regulate her breathing.

“Your quiet.” He smiles, though she can see the nerves on his face. “Never known you to be quiet.”

“I’m not quiet then I’m going to scream.” Snaps Felicity through the pain.

“Fair enough. Were going to get you to the hospital soon. Hey, hey look at me.”

She’s squeezing her eyes shut willing it to be a false alarm, and she blinks to look at him. Terror is evident on her face.

“Your gonna be ok.” He nods, hearing Sara coming back down the stairs.

“no….” she shakes her head. “I cant do this alone.”

“You are not alone. Felicity Smoak, you will never be alone.”

“He’s not here.” She sobs and Dig brushes the hair from her face.

“Lets go guys!” Sara calls from the front door.

“Oh god.” Felicity breathes, fear overtaking her completely now.

“He is here. He’s always been here because he is a part of you and he’s a part of this baby. So you gotta be brave for both of them OK?”

“OK.” Felicity says, more confidently than she feels. 

Dig helps her up and she refuses to let go of his hand as they go.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ok, i think you guys will like this chapter! only 3 to go including this one. I hope you like it and thanks for sticking with this fic so far. if this chapter seems longer its because it was originally meant to be two.

“Jesus Christ!” Felicity grunts through gritted teeth.

“And here I thought you were Jewish.” Dig is sat in the chair by her bed, watching her pace around and hold her back and stomach. She had demanded he stay there because she didn’t want anyone to touch her or do anything. She just wanted this baby to come out. Well, she wanted it to stop hurting anyway. The truth was she was terrified of what was going to happen once the baby was out.

“Shut up.” She snaps back at him. “You know some labours go on for hours. What if this goes on for –ah! – hours?”

“Then it goes on for hours.” Dig shrugs but not indifferently. “And you get through it. I know its difficult, but you can do it. Besides, its already been about two hours and your still here right?” He’s trying to lighten the tone to calm her down, but its having the opposite effect.

“How long was Lyla in labour?” She pants. Felicity glares at Dig with her eyebrow raised when he bites his lip and doesn’t answer. “I’m going to go ahead and guess she already had hers by this time?”

“It was pretty quick, yes.” He nods with a sympathetic smile.

“Your sure there isn’t a way we can, you know, put her back in there?” She asks hopefully with a wild wave of her hand.

Dig lets out a laugh. “Unfortunately no. Look why don’t you sit down?”

Felicity shakes her head. “No, walking makes me feel better. Also I'm trying to make gravity do most of the work down there.”

 

After another minute though, once the pain has cooled off a little, she slowly slumps onto the bed and pulls the blanket around her, twisting it tightly in her hands. Dig takes her hands and forces her to relax her fingers and she smiles at him gratefully.

“Thank you for being here.” She says quietly without looking at him.

“You kidding? There’s no where else I could be. You two aren't just Oliver’s girls you know. You're mine too.”

She smiles and shifts to peer behind him. “Speaking of Oliver’s girls, where is Sara?”

“She was making some more phone calls. I’m sure she’ll be back soon.”

There’s an awkward silence as they avoid who Sara was calling and why. Felicity looks up sadly.

“Do you think they can find him? To tell him?” She whispers it. She avoids saying Oliver’s name, as if thinking about it too much would curse the effort to tell him she was in labour. Neither of them really wanted to tempt fate or to get their hopes up.

“I think…” Dig says steadily, and she wonders if his answer is just going to be to make her feel better, and realised she wouldn't mind if it was. “Sara will not rest until he’s been told. She loves you both too much.”

“I knew he wasn't around, and my rational mind knew I would be doing this without him…but I guess I always hoped maybe, somehow…he’d be here. I mean, properly here for me to yell at him and like break his hand and all that stuff.” Felicity shrugs. 

This day had always seemed so far away to her, and now it was here she was suddenly lost and unsure. Because it had felt like a dream for the distant future, she’d never truly understood the reality of it, never understood that Oliver would miss it. She had always equated him with strength and bravery, and without him she felt lacking of those traits. She wanted to be brave but she felt like she’d been powering through on her own for so long, that she deserved someone to be brave for her, just for a little while. She felt the exhaustion of emotion weigh on her.

Dig smiles. “Well, I have much stronger hands than him anyway. So if you need to break my hand, you can.”

Felicity feels tears building and she nods breathlessly. “Did I ever tell you you’re the best friend I ever had John Diggle?”

“Right back at you, Felicity Smoak.”  
She closes her eyes and tries to centre herself. The whole world felt like it was in chaos, and when she opened her eyes again and saw Dig, staring at her anxiously but always kindly, she felt the spinning of her world slow down just a little. She smiled at him in the breath respite of her labour pains, and reached a hand up to his cheek.

“You always know what to say to help. You always did. I don’t know how. I think I used to take that for granted a little bit, back when we were team arrow. I didn't appreciate how…how you were always there, how you always knew what I felt before I even did. You were like that with Oliver too.” She sighs. “John, I want you to do something for me.”

“Name it.” He says quietly and sincerely.

“I put all the folders and the notes for the baby all in that bag.” She nods to the bag he had made Sara bring with them, which now sits in the corner of the room. “Even the ones that aren't for the hospital. You know, I thought it would be easier to keep them all in one place.”

“You need something from there?” Dig turns to get the bag but Felicity grasps his hand tightly to stop him.

“No…not right now anyway. But I put something in there that I want you to sign. Its…well, its just in case…” She looks down at her stomach briefly and Dig frowns.

“In case Oliver doesn't come back.” She holds her hand up when she sees him about to protest. “I know we have to hope he will, but the fact is he might not. And so, if he doesn’t come back, and then something happens to me…Well, I want you and Lyla to have the baby.”

She isn't sure but Felicity thinks she can see tears gather in Dig’s eyes as he nods vigorously. “If…if you’re sure. But I'm sure it will never come to that…I’m…” He struggles to come up with the words until he grins broadly at her, an infectious grin which she returns. “Thank you. Thank you for trusting me. It would be a genuine honour.”

She wonders then, at the emotion in his tone, if he is just talking about her trusting him with the baby, or if he’s finally feeling the effects of the past few months – Oliver leaving their fate in his hands, Dig in some ways had become a leader for their little family, the way Oliver had once been. Felicity forgot the weight that must have been on him this whole time.

“You are the person I trust most in this world.” She says quietly. She means it too. Dig had been her rock for so long now, she knew she wouldn't have survived without him. “You are a good man John. And a very, very good father. There’s no one else I would want looking after my baby. And I know Oliver would feel the same.”

Dig smiles at her again and shakes his head. He doesn’t say anything though. He understands the enormous trust and love Felicity had for him. He kisses her hand and holds it for a long time. She had chosen her words carefully, she had known how much they meant to him. He had been through the same struggles of Oliver, in his own way. The inner conflict, and she knew for a long time he too had doubted his goodness. She was happy to give some of that back to him, some of that faith in himself that she had always felt.

 

When she is in it, all she understands is pain. Its like everything is being pulled out of her all at once.

It goes on forever. Hours upon hours. Everything feels blurry all around her. She’s too warm, and she feels as heavy as lead. All the shouting around her becomes unintelligible. She listens for when she can push and when she can’t, and that’s about it. Anything else feels like too much. Too loud, to much movement all around her. She’s lost in a storm with no end.

And she thinks about Oliver. Somehow, within the cracks, he creeps in, and she remembers making love in her bed with the traffic and light from the night outside creeping in through the window, and how for once none of that buzzing and beeping mattered because they were lying next to each other and his hands were in her hair.

 

The serenity she feels when she hears her daughters loud and healthy cry is infinitely better.

 

Blonde haired and blue eyed, of course, her baby girl has tiny fingers that all curl around just one of hers. When they place her in Felicity’s arms its like the entire world stopped spinning because this little girl existed.

All the loneliness and hurt, all the guilt and betrayal of the last nine months is nothing, its dust, it never mattered. It was all worth it. Every second, ever tear, was perfectly and unimaginably worth it. She is the single most perfect thing in the universe. Felicity felt a fierce love swell inside of her, she never wanted to let the girl go.

Diggle and Sara hold the baby – Dig seems huge compared to the tiny infant, but he holds her with the practised ease and grace of a father, and is the very definition of safety. 

Sara smiles down like she can’t believe what's happening, like she’s bewitched by the child in her arms. She doesn't even realise she’s crying. All of those times Sara felt touched by darkness seemed unimaginable. How could any such shadows exist now, when this baby seemed to eclipse them all, like the sun.

Felicity sees a newness fall on Sara, like she remembered how to see the light. She hopes one day the baby can do the same thing for Oliver.

Sometime later Lyla is there – Felicity had been drifting steadily in an out of sleep, and when she feels herself drifting once more, she closes her eyes and is content with the vision of her whole family surrounding her.

Well, almost whole.

 

She wakes up in the half light that comes in that time just before sunrise. Her daughter is safe, and Felicity is almost deliriously happy and tired. Maybe that’s why for a minute she didn't realise Dig and Sara were gone.

She’s half convinced this is a dream. To be honest, she doesn't really know.

It must be. She isn't panicked as she turns her head slightly to the shadow by the window.

She knows this isn't real now, because he’s here.

There is no sudden recognition, she barely moves. She just looks at him, recognizing his silhouette in less than an instant. It is not frightening, it feels infinitely natural.

The light from outside illuminates his face as he stares out the window. He looks terrible. His cheeks are covered in a heavy scruff verging on a beard. The not shaving had not stretched to his head however, he was sporting a buzz cut now. It made the sharp lines of his features stand out. There are alarmingly deep purple circles under his eyes, which look exhausted. There is a visible scar on his neck which wasn't there before. There is a heaviness to his stance, a tired curve to his shoulders.

He barely looks like himself, not until he turns to glance at her upon hearing her shift uncomfortably and she sees the look on his face.

“There you are.” She whispers with a smile. Oliver is looking at her with bright blue eyes and a concerned frown that she knew well. She’d missed it.

It might be a dream, but it feels real. God she hopes its real. She’s sure she couldn't have dreamt that look so perfectly. 

Felicity swallows a lump in her throat and a sudden shock of tears hits her. When he sees she’s awake and so suddenly distraught he moves towards her and takes her hand.

When she feels his fingers on hers she quickly squeezes, grabbing at him, not wanting to let go. These were hands she knew, these were the hands she had dreamt about.

Reverently, he kisses her fingers, her palms, her wrist and then her forehead.

Oliver looks down at her and strokes her hair. Then he smiles and she cant help but smile back. He smiles like he doesn't know how to do anything else, like he can't believe what's happening. He’s smiling like everything's OK. And maybe just then, with their daughter sleeping near by, it was.

“I love you.” He breathes, then shyly glancing away he shakes his head a little. “Sorry. I just…I didn't want the first thing I said to you to be ‘hi’.”

“Hi is fine as long as your saying it.” Felicity touches his cheek and he leans into her hand instantly. “is…” she trails of and closes her eyes sleepily, furrowing her brows a little. She doesn't know how to ask her question - she is afraid of this shattering all around her. She wants to stay in this single moment for eternity.

“What is it baby?” Oliver takes her hand, then tucks the fingers of his other hand under a chin to make her look at him.

She blinks furiously against crying again and tries to concentrate on his face. She has to swallow a lump in her throat and brace herself just to carry on. “This is real. Its real right?” She whispers. She's nodding her head, willing him to confirm it.

Oliver smiles kindly and nods. “Yes, it's real. Do you want me to prove it?” He grins playfully and she nods with a shy smile. “OK” he whispers imperceptibly, leaning down slowly and pressing a small kiss to her lips.

“Hmm…still not entirely convinced.” She whispers against his mouth. He chuckles and kisses her again, more firmly this time. She feels it deep in her bones. He’s real and he’s here and its perfect. She lets the realisation sink in and root her in this single moment, because she’s afraid of the moment its all over.

They part when they hear a soft snuffling and they both turn to look where there daughter is sleeping. Oliver is looking at her like it’s the most miraculous sound he’s ever heard. And it is. It’s the sound that’s going to echo through his dreams, it’s the sound he’s going to carry inside of him through all the dark days to come. The sound of his daughter, beautiful and alive and out in the world. This is why he needs to carry on and he knows this now, more than ever before. He needs to make the world a safe place for his child and her mother. 

“Have you held her?” Felicity asks with a smile.

It fades quickly as she sees Oliver’s eyes darken. He shakes his head silently and she frowns just like he is doing now.

“You have to hold her Oliver. Just once.”

Oliver peers back at his daughter again, a sad expression on his face. “She’s sleeping.” He says. Its a flimsy excuse, and he doesn't elaborate. He just entwines his fingers with hers with an unnatural amount of concentration.

When he looks down at his hands, she understands. She can read him just as well as she ever could. 

This was a kind of limbo world for him. He wasn't entirely out of his war zone, and holding the baby would drag her down into that. She was a perfect bundle of innocence. She knew nothing of cruelty, greed, or pain. If he held her, if the fingers he’d just used to kill merely hours ago lifted her up, it would taint her. The outside world, the world he lived in, the shadows would cling to her. He’d bring the rain in with him, he’d let his life seep into theirs like a stain. 

He cannot reconcile his two lives, not yet. 

One had to end for the other to begin. And despite this brief, wonderful respite, it had not yet ended.

 

Felicity wants to urge him to hold the baby again, hoping her permission meant something, her faith, but he cuts her off like he can’t think about it any more.

“I don’t have much time.” He says. “So here, I started writing a list of names. I didn't know if you had one yet but…”

Felicity smiles at the normalcy of it, the unexpected, adorable image of him scribbling names for his baby, in the middle of battles, in some dingy motel room somwhere, the way she had in her own bedroom.

“Please tell me it isn't carved into a log or written in blood or something.” She mutters.

Oliver rolls his eyes as he reaches into his pocket to hand her a flimsy, dirty looking bit of paper that had obviously been crumpled up a little a long the way.

“What is this?” she says unfolding it, trying to guess the original purpose of the pathetic looking scrap.

“That was once a cocktail menu… written in Chinese…” Oliver tries to play it off nonchalantly and she laughs. He smiles too then, a small smile, but its good to see. They had both misses this – smiling and joking together. The familiarity of it assures them both that one day they can get back to this place, even if it wouldn't be right away.

“Some of these names are on my list.” Felicity breathes. “I can’t believe it. How great is that?” she grabs his hand distractedly and he nods.

“Felicity…” He trails her name out warily. 

“Uh huh?” She isn't listening properly – she’s trying to make out some of the letters on top of what had previously been written behind them.

“I have to...I have to go soon. I’m not supposed to be here remember?” He prompts, and he sounds defeated, like he can see this coming to an end.

Felicity finally puts the paper down and stares at him, being rudely pulled back into the agonising reality of their situation. 

“You only just got here.” It comes out angrier than she intended, but she realises it does make her angry. 

He shouldn't have to leave them. He shouldn't have to fight alone like this. He looked like a different person. There was a weight on his shoulders that might never be lifted. This huge network of evil people – business men and gangsters and pimps and criminals – all criminals – had put the burden of murder on him. She feels the injustice weighing on her chest and she can’t begin to contemplate what it must be like for him. 

Oliver was going to have to walk out of here. Physically walk away from his baby. She had been a mother for less than a day and the thought of walking away from that already seemed to foreign and evil to her. Maybe that’s why he couldn't hold the baby – else he’d never let her go. “No one would blame you if you stayed. You've done so much already. You've saved so many people, strangers. You can stay now. I don’t want you to leave again.”

“I know. I'm sorry. I know I say that all the time. I'm going to keep saying it though. Because you might feel like you forgive me now, because we’re together again, and…she’s here. But that might not always last. And I want you to know that’s OK. I just…” he shakes his head. “I hate this. I hate it. It makes me sick. The idea of leaving you again. I need you to know that.” He looks away from her and when he speaks again she can hear his voice shaking. "She's so beautiful I just...I don't..." He's staring at the floor like he can bore a hole through it and she knows he's trying to compose himself for her sake.

“I know.” Felicity whispers, and she feels tears filling her eyes. She lets them splash onto her cheeks and he raises a thumb to wipe them away just like she knew he would. “I spent a long time being angry at you. And I was so sad because I still loved you. Even when I hated you I loved you. I was so mad at you for not being there…but I think Dig was right. I want to try to believe he was right. He told me you were here because you’re a part of us – me and the baby I mean. And that’s true. And I want you to know I’m sorry I didn’t realise that sooner…doesn’t mean I want you to go away again though. But...asking you to stay would be...cruel of me. Asking when I know you can't. Making you say no to me. I want you to stay but I won't say please...I won't force you to do that.” She only understands the truth of her words as she's saying them. She can't feel bad about wanting him with her all these months, but she feels bad for blaming him when he was blaming himself even worse. 

Oliver rests his palm against her cheek and she feels the callouses on his fingers from his bow. She commits them to memory like they are the most precious thing in the world.

“You never have anything to be sorry for. All of this has been one huge, long mess. And that more or less my own fault. But its nearly over. I mean that.” He nods sincerely and she lets herself believe him, because thinking anything else was too hard right now. If she thought he'd be gone for so long again, she might take back everything she said.

“When you first told me about this plan – that horrible day when we last saw each other, face to face I mean…you told me you hoped I would let you come back.” Felicity steadies her voice and it comes out matter of factly, and she squares her shoulders.

Oliver's eyes fall from hers, and his hand moves to her neck. She knows he’s dreading what she’ll say next, she knows he’s sure she’s rejecting him now, despite everything – or because of it. But she isn't. She could never, even if she wanted to. 

So felicity takes his face in both of her hands and forces him to look at her. She can feel his cheek bones, like he’s lost weight, but his eyes are still the same. They are the things she saw in her sleep, and she looks directly into them with all the strength and hope and force she can muster and says “You can’t come back, because the truth is you never really left. You are always, always here. Its going to be difficult, maybe even more difficult for us both now - lets not pretend anything different. But you will have a home and a family who loves you waiting for you no matter what. So you have to come back. Do you understand me Oliver Queen?”

She sees relieved tears in his eyes and he nods at her with a shaky laugh. “I understand, Felicity Smoak.”

 

Some time later, she falls asleep again. She remembers his hand on her face, and the brush of his lips on her forehead. She’d heard the rustling of movement and she had tried to rouse herself from this half sleep – but it hadn’t worked. She had just given birth and her body needed to rest. So she doesn't hear him say goodbye to her, whisper his love against her forehead. She doesn't hear him talking to the the baby either - telling his child he loved her, and to take care of her mother and to be a good girl.

 

When she wakes once more, the light from the early morning is flooding the room. Everything looks the same, but she imagines a gaping hole where he had been. It feels like it had been a dream. But she knows it wasn't.

Felicity sighs and yawns and peers over to her daughter. Everything is still and everything is quiet. She waits one minute. Nothing happens, and she decides he really is gone again. She wants to lose her eyes and block that fact out, but something comes over her and she doesn't. She lets the idea hang in the air, and finds a calmness and acceptance she had not had about it before. Because he might have gone again, but he would be coming back. And until then she had one night to hold onto. 

Looking around again, she realises the camera has gone from the beside table where Dig had left after snapping innumerable pictures of all of them with the baby, then on of the baby on her own. She doesn't see it anywhere when she looks – and then it occurs to her.

Oliver probably took it.

And she’s glad. Sara had the same photo’s on her phone – they were in no way lost to Felicity. And besides, she had the real thing - she remembers what Oliver had set in his letter, the spectacular real thing – the perfect doll like girl that she would be able to hold and love and cuddle – a luxury Oliver wouldn’t have for who knows how long. Felicity is glad he has something of her to keep. Maybe it would help him find his way home quicker.

With a tired sigh she brushes the hair from her face and lazily flops her arm back down.

Her hand lands on the crumpled list he had given her and she picks it up to re read it. They were all beautiful names, but it turned out only two of them had been on her list. And she had already crossed one out after writing it the previous night, before all this chaos had begun. So that left just one.

So, in the end, Oliver and Felicity did find a way to name their daughter together.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the penultimate chapter now. I've got more ideas with this story, especially after i started writing this chapter, but for now i think i'm going to stick with eight. Were coming toward the end so this chapter is a little bit different so i hope you like it!

He barely recognised himself in the mirror.

On the few occasions he bothered or was able to look in a mirror, he looked drawn and tired. His sunken eyes and deep frown betrayed his near constant exhaustion. He looked haunted.

Oliver had not felt exile like this since the island. It was no wonder he looked awful.

He had stopped bothering to shave regularly, and his facial hair, whilst not quite a beard, had been left to grow scruffily over his cheeks. Occasionally when it occurred to him he would also hack away clumsily at the hair on his head, leaving marks and cuts. Nothing he did held that much precision now, except when he held his bow. Some skills you can’t unlearn.

He had no doubt in his mind that the way he looked was due in no small part to his irregular sleeping pattern. Most nights he didn't sleep – he planned his next move, and the move after that. It wasn’t good for him, because he wasn’t eating properly either, but in some ways it was better than sleep.

When he did manage to sleep, he had nightmares. At first they had been in semi regular intervals, but now they woke him every time he closed his eyes. Images of what he had done over these last months flooded up, and he was unable to stop them until he screamed himself awake. His throat ached from it. He would try to soothe himself with thoughts of the family he had left, but they would soon turn to horror movie scenes behind his eyes, blood and gore and guilt overtook his brain and made him scream and writhe in terror. He would see his family hurt and bleeding and he would dream of his failure. He would wake up alone, without them, and feel no better.

He had felt his small amount of control slipping for months. He was starting to get bad again, the way he had been when he had first come home to starling after Lian Yu almost four years ago. Sometimes he would be struck down by thoughts so dire, flashes, dizziness, even when he was awake, visions brought on by guilt and fear haunted his mind. The paranoia was constant. Small noises made him jump now, and his fingers would almost always curl instinctively into a fist - his muscles ached from the strain of it. Once he had stood stock still for so long with his hands ready to fight after hearing a creak that his fingernails had cut into his palms and he hadn't even felt it.

He was breaking apart at the seams. Even thoughts of Felicity didn't make him feel better because it made him miss her all the more. He was coming closer to the end of this, but he didn't know who he would be when he got there. A different man had come back from the island, and a different man would be returning after this, if he survived that long. The stress and fear could kill him before a bullet got the chance.

He wasn’t sure how much time had passed since the baby had been born. A month or two at least he thinks. He tried sometimes early on to mark the days out, but he gave up. He kept missing days. Sometimes he would wake up, having had no recollection of going to sleep, or even trying too. Once he had slept for two days. Sometimes he stole news papers to check the dates and found he had been holed up planning or fighting for weeks. He was losing his grip, he didn’t connect with the outside world in any real way. He was stuck in this nightmare to which he had consigned himself, and he was afraid that the darkness of it would cling to him and never let go. He had no idea how to return to the land of the living.

 

When he had started this systematic take down, he had named his foes the network. The truth was they were lots of separate entities all tied together by scheming and deals and lies. He imagined it like a spiders web. He slowly unravelled all the outer layers, different mob bosses, different countries, working his way slowly to the centre of the web. All the groups were in some way controlled or indebted to one off shoot of the Chinese mob. His name was Huang Lee, and Oliver had to kill him. 

But he had proven very difficult to get to. He was elusive and mysterious, and because of Oliver having to go through his colleagues to find him, Lee was well aware a threat was approaching and had taken extra precautions, making Oliver’s job way more difficult. But now he had started he had to finish. Felicity told him he had done enough – but Oliver knew that once you took down one part of the network you had to take down all of it. If he didn't they would most likely find him and his family.

Sara and Nyssa helped. They weren't always with him, but Sara tried to stay close. He’d been here weeks before he met them. At first he was so wrapped up in protecting them that he had tried to run from them, not let them in. but Sara of course had insisted, and he now found he was glad of it. He was convinced that the solitude of this fight had been causing him to lose his mind, and having Sara and Nyssa there helped him cling onto those last bits of sanity. Once after he’d had a nightmare that left him in physical pain, curled up and crying, Sara had found him and moved his head onto her lap. At first he had flinched away, he had become so unused to this kind of tender contact. But she stroked his hair, calmed him down. She told him about the way his child felt when you held her as he fell asleep. They didn't even know what she was called, but he could still see what she looked like, wrapped in her pink blanket, the one and only time he had seen his daughter so far. Sometimes when the women would touch his arm or his shoulder in comfort - or even to get his attention - he would pretend it was Felicity. Just for a second he'd imagine he was back in the foundry and he was grabbing him to tell him about something on her computer. Then he would turn and the illusion would be shattered.

Oliver was scared, all the time. Of failing or being caught or putting his loved ones in danger. But more recently he had been scared by the idea Felicity would reject him when he came home. She hadn't in the hospital, but feelings change. And she had not seen the full extent of his brokenness. How could anyone, even her, hope to repair what he had become, in these months away? He was at war with more than just the network. He was at war with darkness, with the night, and most of all, with himself. He was beginning to wonder if he could be put back together again, or if he had lost irretrievable pieces of himself along the way. He would wonder if there are some things you never come back from.

 

He found lee.

Everything the man did was secret, he had been careful. Like giving out nuclear launch codes, none of his plans rested with just one of his underlings. Oliver worked his way through different trails, lies, dead ends until finally he learnt about a meet. There was going to be a gun sale, and Lee was going to be there. Normally he wouldn’t have attended something like that himself, as not to be directly implicated should anything go wrong. However since Oliver had intimidated most of his people, Lee thought going himself was worth the risk. That way he could be assured of the deal and that he was still in control of the sale. He was making sure Oliver hadn't messed it up for him. Little did Lee know his safe guarding against the arrow would be what lead his enemy right too him. Oliver would have laughed if the action didn’t feel so alien to him now.

 

He hadn’t expected it to be easy, but he thought he’d have more strength than this. 

When Oliver had got there, there were only a few men besides Lee. He thought he could take them out, even though they had guns and were very good fighters. He was also operating under the assumption that they were far less broken than him.

Maybe that’s why they managed to take him down so easily. Maybe he had let them somehow, maybe he should let them. Then at least he could sleep.

 

He’s dragging himself across the ground, leaving a trail of blood behind him. The bullet digging its way into his shoulder shouldn’t have been fatal, but he feels his fire leaving him. He had come so close and it all felt pointless now as he looked up at Lee towering over him, feeling the sting of his shoulder. He focuses on that, feeling something different for once. 

“I’ve been waiting for you to show up. Did you think we wouldn’t notice you took our suppliers, our business men, our buyers? Or maybe your just so reckless that you thought you could come in here and win on boldness alone.” Lee sneers with a condescending shake of his head.

 

Oliver barely hears him. Instead he stares at the blood now coating his hands. He had taken down four of the men, which left Lee and two others. He was still out manned despite his valiant fighting. 

 

Oliver drops his head to the floor wearily with a tired sigh.

That’s when he sees something in the pool of blood surrounding him.

He picks it up slowly. It must have fallen out of his pocket when he had been shot.

He holds it unsteadily in his large gloved hand, a clumsy shaking grip.

 

It’s a picture of his daughter and its covered in blood.

He wipes the blood away with his fingers and feels angry, sad tears fill his eyes. She was so innocent and beautiful and he missed her. He wished he had been able to bring himself to hold her but he had been afraid. He feels that regret squeezing his heart now as he thinks about her, the possibility of never seeing her again. He should have held her. He shouldn't have been such a coward. Tears prick at his eyes and he feels like he's a bad father, before he even really got the chance to be one.

Lee is still talking but Oliver is no longer listening. The sight of his blood on the only picture he had of his daughter enraged him the longer he looked at it. The self pity seeps away slowly as the angry red splatters fill his vision. That’s exactly what he wanted to avoid, the idea that this violence could touch her in any way. This was what he was trying to desperately to protect. And now there was blood on the picture of his daughter. That was his most treasured possession and his hands shook from rage.

 

He turns the picture over. Because he hadn't been able to stay long enough to learn the babies name, he had written one word on the back, and it was the only word he needed right now.

Right then, as he lost hope, as he began to fade and bleed out on the floor, it became the single most important word in all the universe.

 

Home.

 

Oliver shoved the picture back in his pocket and with a grunt, pushed himself up onto his knees. Lee looks surprised, then smiles.

“Really now, arrow. Haven't you had enough? You did do well, I’ll give you that. But today is not the day I die.”

“I wouldn't be so sure about that.” Oliver growled, low, guttural - like an animal.

With the last of his strength he lunges at Lee, knocking him to the ground, spattering his white suit jacket with blood. He punches him over and over. He wasn’t going to give up.   
He wasn’t going to let any of this be for nothing. He wasn’t going to die before he held his daughter. He wasn’t going to let anyone kill him, not before he went home and married Felicity, and walked Thea down the aisle, and gone to Tyler’s graduation and burned this stupid god damn hood. He was Oliver Queen and he wasn’t going to die.

Lee is a sagging heap of blood beneath his fist until one his goons grab Oliver’s shoulders and rag him away. With a strength he couldn’t control he shoves them away. He fights with them – the cruel merciless fighting of hand to hand combat. He had lost his arrows when he fell but he didn't care. It felt good to lash out. To feel anything but empty. 

 

He hears the gun click behind him before he turns. Lee must have had it, and for a split second he waits for the inevitable shot with his heart in his throat. Even the goons stop fighting him and stare at their leader.

But the shot never comes.

“I’d put that down, unless you want my fiancée to snap your neck with her foot.”

Oliver spins round in a flash. He could cry with relief. 

He sees Sara standing over Lee, smiling. Nyssa is next to her, her foot on Lee’s throat. Slowly he drops the gun and Sara picks it up, emptying it of bullets. She turns to face Oliver with a smug smile that he knows is just her teasing him.

“Would you like to do the honours?” she nods to Lee who is pathetically squirming under the choking Nyssa was currently dishing out.

“I think we’ll let the police handle them.” Oliver says. When they hear the word police the two men behind him try to run, but he knocks them down easily with an elbow and a fist to their faces. He drags them over to where Lee is. He and Sara move back to loom over the three men, and stare expectantly at Nyssa. Nyssa rolls her eyes and steps back with them, but only after a long pause.

“You should let me kill him.” She mutters matter of factly. Despite their originally reluctant relationship, she and Oliver now had a grudging respect for one another and the slow, tenuous forming of a friendship. This is why he smiles at her and shakes his head. Standing in between the two women, he feels a weight lift from him.

 

He’s looking down at the remnants of what was once the leader of a network so vast, they controlled half the world from a distance. It was hard to belief the sputtering, bloodied Lee was a widely feared boss with a deadly reputation. Oliver could believe he’d got to him, finally, that it was over. and he didn’t want to end it with killing.

But he had to. Didn’t he? He was so afraid of making the wrong choice. Sara passed him his arrows and he knocked one on his bow, pointing it at Lee.

“You said you would hand me over to the police! Please don’t kill me!...Your a good man, aren't you?” Lee cries and Oliver feels nothing. 

“If I don’t, you’ll come back.” He whispers. But he doesn’t loose his arrow.

He had been thinking about how Felicity could take him back. How could he return to her, after ending this with death. How could his final arrow act be murder? And yet he could not return to her knowing he let a threat to her live.

“What do I do?” he asks Sara. 

“I…don’t know.” She admits quietly. He doesn’t bother asking Nyssa, he knows her opinion already.

“Do you think she’ll forgive me?” he’s whispering quietly and sadly and Sara hears the scratching and shaking of tears in his voice.

“I think…she would know that everything you did here was for her.” Sara puts a hand on his shoulder.

“I have no idea how to earn her forgiveness, even without this.” He admits. Lee is looking up at them confused but he doesn’t say anything, especially when he catches Nyssa’s hate filled glare.

“I used to be like that. I had done so many terrible things that I didn’t know how to move on from them. Nyssa would never admit it, but she was the same.” 

Oliver feels Nyssa stiffen beside him and she stares fixedly at Lee, but she doesn’t deny it.

“I thought my family, my friends, wouldn’t forgive me for what I’d become. I didn’t know how to earn it. But then I realised. When you love someone, really, deeply love someone, you forgive them. Forgiveness isn’t always something to be earned. Not when it's someone you love. You give forgiveness like a gift because you care about someone. They don’t have to earn it. That isn't how love works. Love is supposed to be unconditional when its the right person. So…yes, I think she’ll forgive you. It might be difficult, even more difficult for you to accept from her when you think you don't deserve it. But she’ll forgive you. Because, lucky as you are, Felicity is head over heels, stupidly in love with you. You are…” Sara trails off. She cant find the right words, and she looks at Nyssa.

Oliver sees Nyssa’s eyes sparkle as she looks at the woman she loves. “Soul mated.” Is all she says, and Oliver feels the word deep in his bones, like the name of an old friend.

 

They give Lee to the police. Whilst Oliver thinks his friends could have lived with his murder, Oliver cant take the thought of carrying that burden home with him. He realises that without the network, Lee is just one man. His power came from having a reputation, of controlling his assets and those of the other people in the network. Now Oliver had taken it down, there was nothing left for him. He would be in jail for the rest of his life. Oliver doubted the network would be rebuilt. That kind of intracey takes years and a lot of effort and resources. Resources the gangsters and mob bosses no longer had, as they were all in jail too.

He couldn’t believe it was done. It had been over a year. It had been hell. He had ruined his life. Lost his friends. Lost his mind. Lost his family. Lost hope. Now he was ready to find them all again.

He wasn’t the same person he was before. He didn’t know how long it would take for him to recover. But just like when he came back from the island, he was sure Felicity would be what helped him through it whether he was ready to accept that help or not.

 

When he got back to where he had been staying, he lets Sara and Nyssa go and arrange for him to get home.

He patches up his bullet wound then goes and has a proper, long shower for the first time in weeks. 

Relief and joy and exhaustion and fear of the next steps in his life overwhelm him.

He cries with the water running.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok last chapter! thank you for everyone who stuck with the story. first story of this length i've completed, though this still feels open to me - so im contemplating a sequel at some point (you guys can tell me if that something you'd want) anyway i hope you like this.

The morning is bright and clear, startlingly so. 

Its sunny, but not humid. There is a light breeze rustling through the trees. Its one of those days that’s almost too perfect to be real. Like a dream. One of those days that feels so impossible that something must happen, it must be a day of change. There was no way a day as brilliant could possibly be normal.

 

And so its right for him to come walking slowly, nervously, up the small hill toward the house.

 

Felicity had opened the doors and her daughter, crawling now in an endless curiosity about the world, clumsily fumbled in front of her on the bright green grass. And when she looked up, she saw a figure in the distance.

He was in a white shirt, smart, cool looking beige trousers. He looks clean, and new almost. Compared to the ragged, beat down man she had seen a few months ago, he looked like a different person. And most likely, he was, in some ways.

 

once, she had been taken by an enemy and held in a wide, dank and dark room. Feeling useless and terrified, she had been tied up and gagged. Used and taken, Felicity had felt hot tears burning down her cheeks - she had cried so much she gave herself a head ache, for so long she'd stopped noticing she was doing it. She had been in pain, the kind that makes your whole body hum, like your bones are straining to get out of you. she had felt for sure that she was going to die. It wasn't like the other times. this wasn't planned, like Slade. this wasn't even a place she knew, like when the count had taken her. It had been foreign and nightmarish and inescapable. she was not one for giving up easy. She'd pulled against the heavy tape holding her down to the chair. She'd looked for an exit. She'd bargained before they gagged her. And she had found no way out. She felt alone, and for the first time in a long time, she didn't think Oliver could find her. she didn't see how he'd even know where to look.

And when the person who took her holds a knife to her throat, he falls down before it can even touch her skin.

Oliver was there. he appeared out of no where. Like always.

Of course he had, she'd thought. Of course he was here. Where else would he be?

And in that moment she had been struck with a sudden, reassuring clarity.

 

She shouldn't have ever wondered. He had always been coming for her and always would. Nothing else was possible.

This would never have ended any other way, because he wouldn't have let it.

She knew deep down this wasn't just belief, or hero worship. This was inescapable and purest truth. it made perfect sense for him to be there.

 

That's how she feels now as she sees his unmistakeable figure, catching the sun, dominating the landscape.

It has been a long time, but it was always going to happen.

she hadn't known when, but as she sees him she realises she isn't the least bit surprised by his return and she shouldn't have been.

he belongs here, in this moment. everything had been moving toward it. It had been written long before it happened.

She feels the same peaceful understanding as in that dark warehouse, all these years later.

A stillness settles in her, and she feels fate travelling on the breeze.

 

Oliver sees her in the distance like an impossible miracle, imposing and graceful and wonderfully real. He feels the sudden rush of nearness in his chest and it threatens to burst out in a smile and a run – but nerves hold him back. 

He slows as he walks and eventually they both stop, a fair few feet between them still, the sun in their eyes. They were on a precipice, and he was terrified of falling off. He wants so desperately to gather his girls up and go inside and sleep and live and be here. But he knows that he cannot erase everything that had happened, and that he had done, and it would have been unfair of him to try to do so.

 

He hears a small, happy squeal from the ground and finally looks down from Felicity.

 

His daughter pads towards him aimlessly, her pudgy little hands smacking at the ground happily as she crawls. He wants to cry. Oliver leans down slowly on one knee and catches her attention away from a flower she's trying to grab.

She looks up at him with eyes that are wide, bright blue, and fathomless. He feels a smile tugging at his lips despite his uneasiness.

His heart beats so fast, and though only a few seconds passed, it felt like a torturous eternity.

He knew she wouldn't recognise him. She couldn't possibly. She had never met him. And he didn't know all that much about babies but what he did know is that their memory wasn't particularly good at this point. And so even though it wasn't her fault, and it couldn't be helped, he began to feel the crushing heartbreak of having his child not know him.

And then suddenly, like a flash of lightening, a funny little smile strikes her and his daughter bounces up and down with her arms up toward him.

“Oh my god!” Oliver laughs loudly and he scoops her up in his strong arms, and she fits perfectly. If he had taken time to think about picking her up he would have been scared to drop her or hurt her – but in the overwhelming love and affection of the moment he forgot all of that pain and fear.

Her chubby hands pressed into his face happily and he is laughing at everything now, kissing her tiny fingers. He cant believe she’s here in his arms, he can feel her tiny heartbeat, real and a part of him and wonderful. She wriggles happily smiling at him still and her movements seem so impossibly divine to him, after such a long time of never knowing if he would get to see her.

Felicity has slowly made her way up to them now. She has a small smile on her face, but her movements are still steady if not a little wary. She, like Oliver, had no idea how they were going to start from there. But she enjoyed the site of Oliver finally being able to hold his child without guilt.

“I think she remembers your picture. I tried to show her a lot. There’s one above her cot.” She says calmly, placing a motherly hand on the girls back. Oliver looks at Felicity with undisguised, wild excitement. He opens his mouth to speak but no words come out. He just looks back at the baby in his arms in awe. Not only is she a part of him, she is a part of Felicity, and that makes her even more infinitely precious.

“I named her Elysia. It was my grandmother’s name you know…I call her Ellie for short though.”

“Yeah.” He nods, looking at her now, trying to get through a sense of comfort or reassurance in his eyes. “I remember you mentioned it how you always liked it. That’s why I wrote it on the list.”

Felicity nods gratefully. “Do you know what It means?” she asked, a smile creeping onto her lips.

Oliver shrugs.

“I only found out later on, but apparently…” Felicity steps up close to him then, finally and puts a hand on his arm, and he stares at her as she looks at the baby. “It means the blessed home...Home. I thought it was rather appropriate at the time.” She looks at him then, and he can see the warmth in her eyes. They had been nervous but now as they got closer, in the bright sunlight, they felt the familiar pangs of love begin again.

Oliver remembers how he had written that same all important universe shattering word on the back of her picture and thought how strange it was that in a way, he had known her name all along, and it had brought him back from the edge, and it had saved him.

“Elysia Dearden Queen.” Felicity smiles, standing up a little straighter, pride filling her shoulders. “You know like…”

“Like my mother, and Thea…thank you. It's…it's perfect.” He nods and she moves her arm round his waist. He returns in kind and pulls her to him, and all three of them hold each other like its the first and last time, and like they never want to let each other go.

 

Its difficult – being home doesn't magically fix anything. Oliver is still beyond damaged, and Felicity is still angry – so is Diggle, a fact he doesn't even try to disguise – but they are a family again. The love they feel overpowers whatever resentment they still feel, and it makes them want to try. This is the return is what they had been waiting for for so long.   
And whilst there was problems, it was good, and it was right. Felicity tried to help Oliver, and he was a lot better for it. His daughter was beautiful and intelligent just like Felicity, and the family he had found again helped him stay rooted a little better.

 

They burn his arrow hood the night he comes back. He keeps his bow, but he locks it away. He is taking the move from arrow to Oliver Queen, father, family man, one step at a time. It will be slow and difficult but he was determined. 

There are bad nights. There are nights he wakes up screaming, or outside, with no idea or how or why he had sent himself there. There was two days where Felicity didn't speak more than three words to him because she had woken up in the night and he hadn't been next to her (it takes months for them to stop waking each other up whenever they want to get out of bed.) sometimes he would sleep on the chair next to Ellie’s crib and watch her wriggle and roll around as she slept until the sun came up.

Dig being there helped, though in the beginning Oliver would feel pangs of jealously when his friend would know which toys his daughter preferred or what books she liked when he did not yet know. He had missed a lot and when he had been away, he hadn't thought about the little details he didn't know about her. Dig always forgave him when Oliver snapped at him though. Oliver would offer to take care of Tyler to apologise. Everyone helped In their own ways, even Lyla, who so often gave Oliver the tough love he didn't know he needed.

 

He keeps his now clean picture of Ellie in the draw next to the bed, and sometimes on the bad nights he gets it out and stares, his hands shaking in the dark, at the ‘home’ scrawled on the back, and it helps him remember that where he is, where he is supposed to be. Finally. 

There was no way they could say there would be no more enemies on the horizon. The world would always be full of people who did nothing but hurt. But Oliver had certainly set some of them back a good few years, and the world would be a better place for it. For now he did not need to look over his shoulder, but to the future. The bright future that he was learning could exist for him, learning not to fear. He had his family, and he was learning to take care of them by loving, not fighting. And they did, love. So very deeply and endlessly, and it filled him with a hope he had not felt for a very, very long time.

And so, though it took time and effort, it ends the way it always ends. 

With Oliver and Felicity, together.


End file.
